Keep going

giovedì 12 febbraio 2015

Before moving to London I decided/promised to myself that I would open a blog and write on it regularly and post as many pictures as I could about this experience. So here I am... writing.

Once I came back to London, I got a temporary job offer, I said yes even though I didn't really want that job but that meant extra money and more experience. I worked sixty hours (or probably even more) every week for one month, doing sales in the morning and waitress in the evening. My manager was a complete asshole and put me shifts that I couldn't do, so I asked for help to my other manager who was so kind and helpful and I managed to get a better rota. Then my other manager was upset with me, and kept treating me like I was a factory worker, so I decided to quit my job.
I tried to quit so many times and never been brave enough to give that fucking resign letter. Even when I found a better job, few months ago, I accepted and declined their offer weeks later because I was too scared to go to a new place and learn everything again. I said to myself "if you wait to find a job you'll do like last timeand you will never leave," so I left.

Now, two weeks after I still have no job, I did at least three trial shifts and got no answer. One actually made me think that I got the job and then he didn't call me back. I've been sending e-mails all day everyday trying to get some responses but very few did.
On top of that, my roommate booked her flight back home for the 1st of April, which means I also have to find a place to live.

I tried to push myself into photography works, I tried to make projects, to sketch ideas, to make moodboards, I tried to contact people and agencies. I'm still trying and I don't know where this will go. So far, all I know is that I'm lost.

I thought I knew what I wanted, and part of me still does, but I feel like this is just too big for me. I'd like to focus on my future, my plans,my dreams and suddenly I have to think about finding a crap job and a crap room first. And I have no time or money to waste. I feel like I need to breathe, I can't breathe. London is eating me, everytime I feel like I can stop and finally have the strenght to do what I want, I just don't.

That said, I'm not gonna sit here and cry and complain about how non-successful is my life right now. I know this is what I'm doing, but I will do it for just today then I will try to go on. Keep trying, keep going, keep failing miserably and hopefully find my success too. Because most people do and they didn't give up. No one said it was easy.

Now I have some great opportunity, and seeing how my plans faded so quickly and how everything that I was sure about turned out to be the complete opposite, I'm so scared I will fuck up everything. Please, please, please cross your fingers for me.

One day me and my friend went to the National History Museum and that reminded me that I need to explore and visit more places. I rarely go somewhere new, that day was a really good day, even though we went there one hour and half before the closing. 

The we went to Richmond (on a different day) but it was freezing cold and we spent most of the time looking how to get to the park. One hour walk later we were completely freezed and hungry and we went back to Victoria where we stopped at a dining. Also that day was a good day.
We went to the Science Museum as well, and we were both amazed by the beauty of it. We barely saw half of the LG floor and it had like three or four floors. We should stop going to museum at such a late hour. 

Last week I met again with few photographers in Holland Park, I was less scared since I previously met most of them. I didn't shoot much because I always end up modeling, but I took few BTS and few portrait shots. It was a very nice day with many beautiful and lovely people (and an awful, cold weather). Hope to go to another one soon!

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